3/8 – Wednesday
Apparently some boneheaded Cardinal claims the Antichrist is a vegetarian. That’s right, Cardinal…make a direct connection between the Evil One and eating habits. Are these people fucking insane? I’m a vegetarian myself…so I guess that makes ME a suspect. So when I rise up and take control of the world, that Cardinal is going to be force-fed raw spinach for the rest of his years. But that’ll be our little secret, mmmkay?
Is the Apocalypse nigh? California has decided to ban gay marriages. California, which is arguably the Gayest Place on Earth! This is truly surprising. Personally I don’t feel the urge to get married, but if two people of either gender want to go through the bother, what’s the big deal? Many people claim that marriage is such a “sacred” thing, but if you look at the current divorce rate, you’ll have to agree that marriage is little more than a statement on a piece of paper to a lot of people. And when it comes to benefits, it should be nobody’s business who benefits from what. If I want to extend my medical plan to someone of the same sex, spouse or not, why should anyone give a damn? Because it’s tradition, duh… Traditions are always right, right?
Today’s hideous toys – Seen on the job at Amazon.com
Today I was treated to the Barbie Easy-Bake Cookies. Yeah, teach those little girls to do their housewifely duties early. After all, it’s every girl’s dream to bake and clean, right? And get them a makeup kit while you’re at it so they can immediately start wishing like they looked like someone else. Another toy I saw today was the Junior Erector Set. I’m sorry, but the term “Junior Erector” just doesn’t sound like a good, “wholesome” toy for some reason. Anyone agree? Next I ran across the G.I. Joe Millennium Salute, where you push a button and Joe salutes. Golly, how clever. Slap the word “millennium” on the box and you’ve got an instant seller… The Snow Globe Kit with African wild animals is certainly interesting, especially since I’ve never heard of snow falling on the jungles and deserts of Africa. For pure shock value, there was What Would Jesus Do: The Board Game. I’m not kidding. I almost lost it right there…
3/9 – Thursday
Today’s hideous toys – Seen on the job at Amazon.com
For those career-conscious kids, there’s the Charge ‘n’ Play toy cash register. That’s right, kids…aim high! Learn those K-Mart skills while you’re young and you just might make Assistant Manager someday. Then I came across something truly foul: Potty Patty. She “makes fun sounds”. Fun sounds? As in the fun sounds made when you’re taking a dump? The box says she goes “hm-hm-hm…all done!” Ooooookaayyyyy…. She has a cousin named Potty Dotty in case you were wondering. Sigh…another dreadful pissing doll. When will the realism be real enough??
3/10 – Friday
Today while driving to work I noticed this big yellow thing in the sky. It was very bright and made me squint. In fact it was so bright that I had to put these eye-guards on my eyes which made the world a little darker again. It was very bizarre…
Are you a biological error? According to a certain crag-faced radio psychologist, you may be. The ignorant self-appointed Spokesperson for God, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, is about to get her own T.V. show. This will potentially expose her evil vibes to 20 million viewers per week. A great website called StopDrLaura.com has sprung up in opposition to this crusty slag’s plans for television. Check it out!!
Today’s hideous toys – Seen on the job at Amazon.com
The very name of Totally Yo-Yo Courtney is enough to make the average person totally yo-yo their lunch. I’ve seen a lot of toys with the word “totally” in it lately, and it’s really creeping me out. Why don’t they use that word with the zillions (and I mean ZILLIONS) of Star Wars toys? “Totally Queen Amadala” would probably sell well. Then we come to the cell phone craze that is shoving its way into the toy world… Elmo Knows Your Name Cellphone is a good example. Yeah, get those kids trained on a cell phone so they can rack up huge phone bills when they’re older. I wonder if Elmo’s banshee screech of a voice is distorted by dropped cells and static. A more frightening example is the Cell Phone Infant Toy. Come on, people…kids that young don’t even know what a cell phone IS! They basically took a toy for adults and converted it to a toy for infants ’cause it’s cute. And my final submission for the day: Baseball Tarot cards. I shit you not. I’ve heard of people loving baseball on a spiritual level, but come on!!!
3/13 – Monday
Well, well, well. The Pope is asking everyone to forgive the Church for all the atrocities it has committed against different people over the ages. All the murder, suffering, torture, misery, and self-loathing experienced by millions of people is to be washed away with a simple pardon…how convenient. This IS the age of convenience, after all. Of course, his church is still setting up shop in countries like India and performing sweeping conversions, telling them to drop the “evil” faith they’ve held for generations and embrace his (sometimes by force). Also, he failed to mention homosexuals in his laundry list of people “negatively affected” by the Church. Those homos still gotta go to Hell, we can’t have them thinking they’re off the hook, oh no. Sorry, Pope…forgiveness on this scale just ain’t that easy. And take that ridiculous Jiffy-Pop off your head.
3/14 – Tuesday
What’s cookin’ for the doughboy?
Want to see a great movie review? It’s not great because the movie is great… The review is great because it completely trashes this movie and beats it to a pulp. I appreciate that sort of writing. 🙂 Here’s a snippet:
Merely labeling “Mission to Mars” as just another run-of-the-mill bad movie would be a huge disservice to bad movies everywhere. No, “Mission to Mars” takes bad to a whole new level. This film is mind boggling and stupid, a derivative piece of doo-doo that’s an embarrassment for all involved.
Veteran director Brian De Palma, who helmed the incomprehensible “Mission Impossible” in 1996, this time has created a mission imbecilic.
Today’s hideous toys – Seen on the job at Amazon.com
There’s a whole slew of toys out there with the term “My First” in its name. My First Pal, My First Camera, My First Blocks… One of the dumbest is My First Putter. Yes, with this you can introduce your kids to the excruciatingly boring and mindless sport of golf. Geez. My First Makeup does not, as one would assume, contain makeup to make your little girl pretty. In fact, this makeup kit makes your child look utterly frightening! Take a look for yourself. One of the stranger “My Firsts” is the My First Spirograph. Now, how many kids long for the day when they’ll be old enough to get their first spirograph? And what about My First Phonebook? I just don’t get that one. Is a phone book so fun to play with that they have to make a child’s version? They’re trying to pass it off as some sort of educational toy. But who are they supposed to call, for cryin’ out loud?? I know… get your kids one of those silly toy cellphones and let ’em go wild.
3/15 – Wednesday
This morning I was driving behind a woman who was furiously brushing her hair as she was driving. She actually had both hands off the wheel most of the time, only touching it long enough to steer her car on a straight course before letting go to brush her hair again and look into the mirror. Eventually we got stopped at a red light and I just LOOKED at her with an expression of utter disbelief on my face, shaking my head…I know she saw me. Then I started making furious brushing motions around my head to mimic her, but it didn’t do any good…she continued to brush, look up into the mirror, and remain completely oblivious to everything else going on around her. Sigh… I just don’t understand people like this. Putting their lives (and the lives of others) in danger for the sake of having every hair in place. Well, let me tell ya… That hair wouldn’t look so hot if it was SMASHED THROUGH YOUR WINDSHIELD AS YOU PLOW INTO THE GUY AHEAD OF YOU. But it’s not for me to judge others……
Anyone who has seen DVD in action can tell you that it’s a fantastic format for watching your favorite movies with great picture and sound. Unfortunately, the more moronic movies are making their way to DVD as well, and it’s getting uglier with each passing day. Perhaps the dumbest new release in decades is coming to DVD: “Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in the Hood”. I shit you not. With this movie you get it all: Ice-T, rapping, leprechaun fly girls, blood, gore, magic flutes, and who knows what else. If ever there was a waste of time and money, this is it. That little guy from “Willow” needs a new career.
Well, now! It seems that maybe Dr. Laura is feeling the heat of those she’s burned. She has issued a half-assed apology for her silly remarks about homosexuals…though she still plans on attacking them in a “clinical” and “moral” sense. Yeah, Ms. Morals can also be seen naked on the internet, mmm-hmmm. I don’t know about you, but when someone calls me a “biological error” I get a little ticked off.
My good friend Troy in Arizona alerted me to this: Got beer? Well, PeTA thinks you should. In fact, they want you to drink beer instead of milk. Now tell me, how responsible is that? Is a drunk-driving death or alcohol-induced spousal abuse an “even trade” to save a half-gallon of milk? Yeah, that’s what I thought, sure. What utter assholery. And you know what? I don’t think milk is healthy either. It’s full of hormones and chemicals and other crap that cows are pumped full of, and I don’t drink the stuff. It’s not the only source of calcium on the planet or anything. But their argument that beer is healthier than milk is worthless once you take into the account that dairy products don’t MAKE YOU DRUNK or even IMPAIR YOUR JUDGMENT! Of course, at the very bottom of their website they mention soy milk, soda, water, etc as alternatives to beer…but they do this as more of an afterthought than anything else. The beer angle is meant to stir up controversy and get attention, nothing more. PeTA must be running low on donations or something. As one person on the Discussion Board said, “Free the Cows! Milk Pregnant PETA Members!” And as Troy put it, “I get the same vibes from PeTA that I get from the Jehova’s Witnesses. They will SCARE you into believing!”
3/16 – Thursday
Shrub and Gore have been sending nasty e-mails to each other… Gawd. This is what our “leaders” have been reduced to: exchanging snitty e-mail. I’m glad they’re showing the country new ways of using technology, aren’t you? I must admit, though…that was a great dig Shrub made about Gore’s “inventor of the internet” claim. Heh.
3/17 – Friday
Whiny, humorless people protested and caused networks to boycott the new animated show “God, the Devil and Bob”. So what if God looks like Jerry Garcia on the show? Has anyone here on earth ever SEEN God face-to-face to tell us otherwise? Everyone has their own preconceived notion of what God looks like… Westerners typically picture God with a long white beard, white wispy hair, flowing white robes, etc. And when some irreverent T.V. comedy tries to have a little fun with that image (even showing God enjoying a lite beer), people get in an uproar. Geez…doesn’t anyone think that God has a sense of humor? I believe God can laugh at anything and everything. God is so far beyond the comprehension of our silly little brains, I think we’re being extremely arrogant by assuming that God would take offense to something like this. God’s no stiff! These protestors are the stiffs. So chill out and lighten up, people!
3/20 – Monday
235 members of a cult in Uganda killed themselves. Apparently they were a millennium cult or something. Whatever…does it really matter? Nutballs burning themselves to death because “God told them so”….Geez! What’s next, arranged marriages on television?? Oh, wait…
3/21 – Tuesday
Apparently Michael Eisner’s a rat in a mouse costume. “We have no obligation to make art. We have no obligation to make a statement. To make money is our only objective,” he says. Yeah, that’s Disney all right. In fact, that’s the attitude of most of Hollywood. Content means nothing, get get people into theaters. “Bodies, we need bodies!” (That reminds me of what my new supervisor told us today…he said they’re going to hire “more bodies” to help the existing workers. More bodies, he said. Not people, just bodies. And he said this several times without thinking about his choice of words. That’s how most corporations see their employees, you know…bodies, not people.)
3/22 – Wednesday
I just noticed that the Clorox company, which makes hundreds of products that will KILL you if you ingest them, is the company that owns Brita (which makes water filtration systems). I really don’t have a point to make with that, I just thought it was odd.
3/23 – Thursday
Well, as of today my stint with Amazon.com has come to a premature end. Apparently they decided to end all temp assignments in my department in favor of hiring permanent, untrained workers for less money. Don’t ask me to explain the logic behind THAT move…big business makes up its own convoluted rules. Unfortunately, my 8 co-workers had invested a year’s time in that department, getting it started and running it on practically no budget…they were promised permanent jobs in November, filling out applications and doing interviews, and of course they haven’t heard from Amazon about that since. Amazon has strung them along for months and months, and just when they were talking to each other about finding other work, Amazon cut them (and me) loose all at once. How convenient… So it’s back to the job-hunt for me, once again!
I was reading a Usenet newsgroup today and came across the longest run-on sentence I’ve seen in years. And, of course, I saved it for my weblog! 🙂 This guy was trying to explain something about Hindu legend, but by the time it’s over with you can’t remember a thing he said:
From: “firstname.lastname@example.org” <email@example.com>
Newsgroups: soc.culture.indian, alt.religion.hindu, alt.fan.jai-maharaj, uk.religion.hindu, alt.religion.vaisnava
Sent: Tuesday, March 21, 2000 6:46 AM
Subject: Re: GOD TEACHES HUMANITY OUT OF COMPASSION
The God almighty taught Jai Maharaj how to be a vegetarian and taught Rama how to hunt and kill animals and people and then demonstrated in the Vedas that there was a big ocean and that in the ocean there was a big fish, and the big fish ate the little fish and Lakshmi came out of the ocean because she was afraid of being eaten by the big fish, to teach humanity with Sri to the rest of humanity and then Krishna became the favourite of all because everyone knew he was going to be a stud and when Radha said she liked Krishna, and then one day bhangi Drona came around and said that he also liked Krishna and he could be a better gopi than Radha and then Krishna said things had gone too far now there has to be a great war to bring bhangi power of Drona to an end before all the bhangis start chasing after me pretending to be gopis!
3/24 – Friday
There’s not a lot to report today… Still jobless of course. 🙂 Tomorrow I plan to hop on the bus and spend a few hours in downtown Seattle. Part of my mission will be to drop by a certain bakery across from the Pike Place Market and get one of their gigantic “health nut” cookies, which are anything but healthy… Those things are worth the trip alone! I LOVE walking around downtown… I’m going to try to get a job somewhere down there. Except that would probably mean that I’d have to dress up for work, which will take some getting used to again but oh well…
Remember that stupid stunt that PeTA pulled, the one telling college kids to drink beer instead of milk because it’s better for you? Well, it backfired…and they’ve pulled the entire campaign from everywhere but their website. Heh. Idiots…they’re right about milk being unhealthy for you, but they sure do put their hooves in their mouths sometimes. Now they’re going to put up billboards that play with the 10 Commandments. Now, that’s gonna be interesting!
Rabid sports fans rampaged after a big victory. Gee, what else is new? They turn into animals, pure and simple. That’s why I find the whole sports mentality to be so idiotic… If only these people felt that kind of passion for something that actually MATTERED.
3/27 – Monday
Most thinking people consider the Backstreet Boys to be musical and intellectual (perhaps even psychic) torture…but could their music be used to literally torture someone? I don’t see why not! Thanks to Kevin & Renee Smith for alerting me to this potential danger!
3/28 – Tuesday
Is anyone really surprised? $20 million was awarded to a dying lady who has smoked for over 20 years, KNOWING that it was bad for her. Yes, she KNEW…it was right there on the label, despite what tobacco companies have said about cigs not being dangerous (as if they can be trusted with telling any truths). And yet, she winds $20 million because she refuses to accept responsibility for endangering her own health. I wonder if the people of Los Angeles can collectively sue the auto industry for health problems related to air pollution. Sure they drive their cars, knowing that they pollute the air…but following the same logic of the idiotic jury who favored the Smoking Lady’s case, how could they lose? In fact, I say we sue Mother Nature (again) for not making us immortal. And Ebola, what about that? What was she thinking, creating something like that?? SUE the bitch and let’s get rich, yeah!!!
3/29 – Wednesday
Tonight must be Spider Night. I killed not one, not two, but FOUR of those things in the space of about 10 minutes. Three daddy longlegs and one I can’t identify…one of those black things that moves around spastically like it’s on speed or something. And I’m not even sure I killed that one…I sprayed it and it fell, but it didn’t land on the carpet. I think it landed on top of the door or something, but I nearly shrieked like a girl and spent a few seconds shaking out my hair like crazy JUST to be sure. And I know daddy longlegs are harmless, but I still don’t like the little bastards. All those legs spread out and just the little bitty body…it just freaks my shit out. I’m sorry, but I just can’t stand spiders in the house. Usually they find me in the shower when I’m most “vulnerable”… Keep them out in the garden to kill wasps or whatever, but otherwise just stay the hell out!!
Praying before a football game: is it legal? Who cares? The whole idea of praying before a ball game, whether it’s by the jocks or the announcer, is ridiculous. What kind of relationship with God is that? It’s only a game, not Mass. I understand that sports is the official religion of many of these types, but come on. (And notice that nobody ever mentions God when they LOSE the game, as in “God made me fumble!”) Frankly, I don’t think God wants to hear from a bunch of jocks who don’t have anything more to talk about than wanting to win a football game. Don’t they have anything more important to ask God about, or is this the most crucial thing in their lives? Talk about trivializing the act of communicating with the Divine! Why not ask God which fork to use at dinner, or pray for a free copy of the new N*SUCK CD? If you’re going to talk to God about such mindless and trivial matters, you may as well go all the way!
3/30 – Thursday
What do you think of cell phones? Do you think they’re intrusive little devices that make it all too easy for the user to completely ignore you while he/she yaks it up with someone else? I do. I think restaurants and movie theaters (and many other places) should outright BAN the things. Self-important twits on their phones in the grocery store or in the library or weaving through traffic…they’re absolutely annoying, rude, and dangerous. There’s a restaurant nearby (in Greenwood I think) that prohibits the use of cell phones while you’re in the building — and if you answer your phone or call someone on it, the staff approaches your table and sings loudly or makes some other kind of disturbance so you’re forced to hang up. I like that!! Anyway, check out the cellphone vigilantes: Phonebashing.com. These guys run up to cellphone users, snatch their phones away, and either run off with it or stomp on it. It’s an absolute riot!!
Canada still has a law on the books that offers reward money for Indian scalps. So WHY are they just now talking about getting rid of it? Don’t they ever review this stuff?? And it says that they’re considering striking down this law, and that they have to ask the federal government about it just to be sure. You mean they’re not sure if this law is outdated? Come on, people! Don’t bother with the federal government, just remove the thing. But that’s typical government red tape for you…common sense goes out the window. Maybe Matt & Trey were right. (Kidding!)
3/31 – Friday
Well, I made it to the end of the month with the Weblog! I wasn’t sure if I would. I’m planning on taking this March page and archiving it as a link on the left panel, then starting a fresh page on Monday. This page is starting to get a little sluggish when loading… Thanks to everyone who has been coming back to read all this crap! See ya next month.