I saw two stories in the past couple of weeks which hilariously salute the intellectual vacuum that is the world of sports. First, it looks like a couple of NC universities are heavily watering fake turf in the middle of a drought. That’s right, it’s astroturf. As stunningly stupid as this is, it’s typical sportier-than-thou behavior. Even during drought conditions, the sports world smiles and looks on; the comfort of the players far outweighs the thirst of ordinary humans. Besides, they understand the issue:
Beth Bozman, Duke’s field hockey coach, said she understood why passers-by could get all worked up over sprinklers going full blast amid conservation pleas. “I drive a hybrid, and I recycle,” Bozman said. “I’m as green as anybody. I understand.”
Well la-de-fuckin-da, Beth. Good for you and your hybrid. What part of “watering fake grass” does not compute?
Next we’re treated to a highly snortworthy story about Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder. I wonder if his last name should have been Chowder, because he’s proven himself to be a total chowderhead. Upon departing for London for some game or other, he offered to share his vast knowledge about England.
“I couldn’t find London on a map if they didn’t have the names of the countries,” Crowder said. “I swear to God. I don’t know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I learned that. I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That’s the closest thing I know to London. He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”
When reminded Dolphins practice squad receiver and NFL Europe veteran Marvin Allen is from London, Crowder’s standup routine didn’t miss a beat. “He’s from London?” Crowder said. “I knew he was from over there because he talks funny. I was surprised (when they met) because — I don’t want to say he didn’t look the part because that’s a stereotype — but he didn’t look the part. I heard him talk, and I thought he had a recorder and was just mouthing.”
Yes, Chowder, most Brits are lip-syching their accents to real-time prerecorded conversations. Oh, and there are no black Londoners, they’re just yankin’ your chain. Jesus, was his guy dropped as a baby or something? Of course there’s some speculation that he was just joking around, but come on…it’s hard to fake that kind of emptyheadedness. It likely comes from being slammed around so much by his fellow thick-necked mongoloids.