How’s your vacation so far? Oh, frustrated with the crowds and lines at the airport, huh? I hear ya. Those security people must be taking their sweet time getting people through the gates. Lazy bums, they’re just trying to make us miss our flights!
But wait…maybe it’s not their fault after all. Maybe they’re simply bogged down with too many stupid, unnecessary items that clueless travelers insist on packing into their carry-on luggage. They’re packing bottles of wine, kitchen knives, antique guns, pool cues, golf clubs, baseball bats, martial-arts weapons, power drills, cigarette lighters…not to mention liquid-ish food items like pie filling, honey, maple syrup, and other stuff we’ve repeatedly been told aren’t allowed. Hmmm, it’s almost as if travelers are ignoring all the warnings…but no, that’s not possible. Americans are the most responsible and informed travelers on the planet, everyone knows that. Go us!
Jesus Christ monkeyballs, people. What cave are you all living in if you STILL don’t know what you’re allowed to bring on an airplane these days? Does your cave have electricity? If so, take a moment out of your busy hunter-gatherer lifestyle to get online and read the TSA’s list of permitted and prohibited items. This requires the ability to read, of course, as they currently don’t have it translated into cave-scrawl.
If you can’t manage to get online, how about turning on your television and watching all the news channels frantically telling us what NOT to take on a plane? Oh wait, I forgot…your television is always on. Silly me. And yet you still don’t know what’s allowed. How is that possible? How can you be exposed to so much information and still remain a clueless twat?
Forgive my assholery, but I find this kind of ignorance appalling. It may not be the sole cause of the crowds and long lines, but that’s not the point — the information is EVERYWHERE and yet people still sound surprised when their items are confiscated. The TSA’s list doesn’t include every single banned item, but it’s like these people aren’t even making the effort to check. “What, I can’t bring my collection of pickled sloth nostrils in my carry-on luggage? When did that start?” Fucking morons. Pay attention to the world around you, will ya? Even if it’s only while you’re out of your cave. Others who are flying around this Thanksgiving (including myself) will greatly appreciate it!
New Jersey, here we come… God help us.