The other day at the grocery store I spotted this Cosmopolitan magazine. They may as well re-christen it The Sexual Insecurity Standard at this point. Just look at the titles of the “articles”: 21 Naughty Sex Tips, Why Guys Cheat, Sex He Has Alone (Where and When, How Often [Yikes!], His Shocking Go-To Fantasy), 20 Very Sexy something-or-others, The “Nice” Habit That Can Cost You Your Life…and the best one of all, YOUR VA-JAY-JAY: Fascinating New Facts about Your Lovely Lady Parts. Jesus, talk about mixed signals — it’s a microcosm of sex gossip, distrust of men, obscure warnings, and sexual insecurity. So it’s just like every other magazine targeted at women, right? And yet, I’m fascinated by the sheer abundance of bullshit on the cover.
Let’s start with Sex He Has Alone. Yes, regardless of how much your man has sex with you, there’s a very good chance that he also loves to (gasp!) wax the carrot on occasion. This should be common knowledge, especially after countless articles on the subject in womens’ magazines. It’s not a “shocking” fact, it’s just nature. Let’s not assume that all guys do it with “yikes” frequency, either. All you need to know is that if his hand is getting more action than you, maybe you two should have a lil’ talk, mmmkay?
Then we have Why Guys Cheat. This really irks me, but I suppose planting seeds of paranoia and distrust helps to sell more copies. If women were devoid of fear and loathing about themselves and their relationships, who’d be buying this tripe? Yes, some guys cheat. SOME. Where’s the article about why women cheat? (Actually it would likely be called 14 Reasons Why You Should Cheat.)
Next comes 21 Naughty Sex Tips. Puh-leeze…in all the years these sleazebag magazines have been publishing so-called “secrets” of sex, don’t you think they’ve covered these ones by now? I mean, really. Let me guess: they include trying role-playing in bed, talking dirty during sex, and feeding him a certain food to make his man-pudding taste better. Am I right?
On to Fascinating New Facts about Your Lovely Lady Parts. Yes, I’m sure they’ve got SHOCKING new vaginal facts which will shake your world to its core. Sigh. Again, do you really think there’s anything in this article that hasn’t been rehashed again and again over the years? And somebody please tell me: is the term “va-jay-jay” common enough to use on a magazine cover? I’ve heard it before, but only in a sort of joking context — kinda like ” ‘gina” or “tuna taco”. Do women use it in everyday conversation? I’m totally curious, because you’d never hear a guy in a locker room say, “D-a-a-a-mn, dude! My pe-nay-nay is totally sore after last night!” We do have some cute words for it, but nothing quite like the “ay-ay” phenomenon. Also, it seems a little odd that a magazine dedicated to sex-talk can’t come right out and put the word VAGINA on their cover. Oh, I see…that would be offensive. Well, I suppose “hoohah” wouldn’t be quite as engaging…
Disclaimer: I judge these magazines solely by what’s on the cover, so the above opinions may not amount to squat. 🙂