It’s always fascinated (and horrified) me to watch women get overly excited and stressed-out about their weddings. For a lot of brides, everything has to be “perfect”: they want the perfect location, the perfect cake, the perfect floral arrangements, the perfect photos, the perfect food, the perfect reception, the perfect ad nauseam. The grooms, for the most part, just kinda say “Yeah OK, whatever,” and try not to get too involved. This is a generalization, of course, but I think we all know a couple or two who have gone completely batshit trying to make their weddings live up to their crazy-ass Hollywood dream.
From watching friends and family of my own get married, it seems to me that somewhere along the way many couples forget about being, you know, joyful about the wedding. Instead, they’re hell-bent on making everything into some picture-perfect storybook fantasy, often spending many thousands of dollars in the process. And for what? It’s one specific time during one specific day — why not enjoy it and your new partner? Simply enjoy each other, and the company of those around you. Especially with that nasty divorce rate and all. It may be just a statistic, but I’m just sayin’.
Being a queer gay homosexual I don’t pretend at all to understand this hysteria. To me it’s a form of lunacy, a self-inflicted state of madness. Sure, I understand the urge to marry, to celebrate your union with friends and family, and I know several gay couples who have done just that. But these expensive blowout weddings are simply beyond my comprehension, and the gays are guilty of it just as much as the rest. We want the right to marry, which apparently includes going deep into debt for a dozen stripper studs and a 20-tier cake.
Anyway, it looks like some brides are taking things a bit too far nowadays. They are more than just orchestrating a Masterpiece Wedding for the Ages (as they all think it will be), they’re completely losing their shit and projecting their crazy on everyone involved. By this I mean that some brides are now demanding spray tans, teeth bleachings, Botox injections, and boob jobs for their bridesmaids.
That story left me stunned. Who are these people, these psychotic women who think the entire universe revolves around them simply because they’re getting hitched to some rich douchebag? What makes them think it’s all right to put their friendships on the line by asking their bridesmaids to physically alter themselves to fit some ridiculous image? It’s a slap in the face, and if I was given instructions like this I’d tell her to cram it. Then I’d return all the shit I bought on the registry. Of course, my lack of a vagina sort of precludes me from being a traditional bridesmaid…but again, I’m just sayin’.
Are you a selfish slag with delusions of bridal grandeur? Afraid to appear in photographs with your ugly friends? Wanna make ’em skinnier, tanner, and whiter of tooth? I have one word for ya: Photoshop.
Hey, I may even do some freelance on that!