Behold the Revolve Devotional Bible for Girls. This is something you can actually buy. I’m sure it’s chock-full of helpful tips for Christian girls, such as:
- God’s a man, Jesus is a man, and your husband is a man. Be subservient to men at all times, because they are the most powerful and important people in the world. They also have full control over what you’re allowed to do with and put into your body, simply because they have the penises. Amen.
- You’re just a creature molded from a rib—don’t think you can aspire to much in this world without the permission of the men in your life. Your place is to stay behind your man and remain quiet unless spoken to. Now shut up and make me some pancakes, the game is on.
- Your body, especially that one area, is unclean and sinful. Once a month it will spew demonic juices, and you must lock yourself away from the rest of society until this time passes.
- The unclean, sinful area between your legs is strictly for the following uses: discharge of bodily waste, discharge of babies, and the occasional insertion of the penis you are married to with the sole intent of creating the aforementioned babies. No pleasure must be had with this area as it is not only filthy and sinful, but somehow sacred.
- Hey, rape and incest happened all the time in Biblical days. We’re not saying you should go out and do that or anything, but when you put it in the historical context of the Bible, it’s not such a big deal — as today’s conservative politicians will eagerly point out.
- It’s OK to dress like a slut as long as you’re wearing a crucifix to show the world you’re “not that kind of girl.” It’s even better if you have a “promise ring” on, so you can flaunt your stuff and tease all you want without any risk of actually doing anything.
- Homosexuals might seem like a lot of fun, but they are Satan in disguise. Avoid the drag queens at all costs, especially the ones who are more beautiful than you.
Hmmm, maybe they should have called this the Devolve Devotional Bible…