I haven’t looked in my Spam folder in ages, and the other day I needed to find a password-reset email that went in there. Besides the usual “Make ur dick So harddd!1!!1” crapola, I was highly amused to see these ridiculous emails accusing me of something. It’s such an obvious attempt to get a response, but I’m sure some idiot(s) out there replied to them and opened the floodgates to a shitload more spam or worse. These are hilariously transparent and pathetic, so I thought it would be fun to share them with some responses.
Subject: Get the hell out of my life – F U
From: “Rebecca\ E.J” <Amy@cbbp.erasmunipod.com>
Date: Sun, 07 May 2017 13:15:27 -0400 (EDT)
I just wanna tell you that you suck. I will never forgive you for what you did to me, you piece of crap. ASSHOLE! Do not you dare to talk to me again. Believe me, you don’t wanna see my other side, ask your goddamn sister, she has seen it.
Yeah, well my slag of a sister knows your dirty secret. You know, the one about the goat. Yeah, that one. And I’m tellin’ everybody on Facebook! Oh wait, I don’t have a sister. Nevermind.
Date: Mon, 15 May 2017 04:43:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Cut the cr*p and stop stalking me
From: “Vanessa E.J” <email@example.com>
Stop stalking me and my friend or I will report you. You piece of shit, cock-sucker douche. I do not know why you are doing this! You slept together once, only once. It does not mean anything. Have not you heard of hook up?
So, f*** off and leave us alone
I slept together? What the fuck does that even mean? Get your story straight, asshole. I don’t have time for this mealy-mouthed nonsense, I have to get back to stalking you. Whoever you are.
From: Inbox Message <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: About Last Night Dick
Date: Tue, 09 May 2017 14:28:43 -0400 (EDT)
You mad bitch! You made me hate my guts last night. You are an ASS. You disgust me. It makes me wanna puke when I think of you. YOU SON OF BITCH. Do not you dare to do that to me again, sucker.
Oh you deserve every bit of whatever it was you got last night! You know why. And I’ll do it to you again any time I want…as soon as I figure out who and where you are and whatever it was I did that pissed you off so much.
This one’s a little different, but no less ridiculous:
From: Brittney <email@example.com>
Subject: why aren’t you answering me ?
Date: Fri, 5 May 2017 12:05:52 -0400
Its been a while since the last time we talked, a longer time since we saw eachother
Some say time fixes everyting but honestly its not working out for me Today I miss you more than ever
I guess I should’ve told you that when I could, now it might be a little to late
I guess you’ll never understand how much you mean to me even though I told you a million times
Hurtss to know forever ended so soon.
Oh Brittney, Brittney, Brittney. You should have known it was just gonna be a quickie in the back of that U-Haul trailer, nothing more. It would never have worked out anyway, with my uncontrollable gayness and you having a vagina and all. Farewell, my love…whoever you are/were. We shan’t meet again…